Today was my day 'off' after a long stint of being 'on'. Melissa and I awoke around 8:30 (I did my daily raid of the raspberry bushes out back) and walked up Mt Tabor. It's beautiful up there...lots of joggers and picnic-ers and a sweet view of the Burnside bridge and downtown Portland. After we showered, we took the bus to the Hawthorne district and ate brunch and then patronized our fav coffee place, the Sound Grounds. I always have good musical experiences at the Sound Grounds. When I was there previously, they were playing Paul Simon's "Rhythm of the Saints," one of my favorite albums. And today, after an hour or so of some weird modern jazz nonsense, they put on the Indigo Girls self-titled album which brought back a flood of memories from high school when I listened to that album incessantly. To this day, practically one of the only songs I can play on the guitar (not included your good-ole' Evangelical praise songs) is "Closer to Fine."
I made it back to Nehalem in time for a delicious dinner of vegetarian tacos. Mmm. After dinner each night, we have Community Time which consists of a reading from Jean Vanier's (the founder of l'Arche communities) Community and Growth. If l'Arche had a rule (like the Benedictine rule or the Trappist rule), it would be this book. Tonight, we read about the nature of 'living with' the least of these, and how living with is far different from simply working with.
Vanier writes, "Our focal point of fidelity at l'Arche is to live with people who have a handicap, in the spirit of the Gospel and the Beatitudes. 'To live with' is different from 'to do for'. It doesn't simply mean eating at the same table and sleeping under the same roof. It means that we create relationships of gratuite, truth and interdependence, that we listen to our people, that we recognize and marvel at their gifts, and particularly their openness to God and their holiness. The day we become no more than professional workers and educational therapists is the day we stop being l'Arche -- although of course 'living with' does not exclude this professional aspect."
Ah, I love these thoughts. This is truly l'Arche - a bunch of ragtag, professional and nonprofessional, young and old individuals coming together to experience community. The assistants here do not have Masters degrees in disability theory. Some have social work backgrounds, but most don't. Few, if any, have interacted with the developmentally disabled previous to l'Arche. We are people at different stages in our lives -- graduated or current students, senior citizens, married couples, developmentally disabled adults -- who have come together to experience true togetherness. You don't need to be a professional anything in order to brush teeth, hand out pills, patiently listen, go on a walk, ask for forgiveness. This was a lie I believed before coming to l'Arche, that I was someone incapable of caring for others without a professional title.
The truth is, professionalism or not, I am incapable of caring without the Holy Spirit, without the model of Jesus, without the acceptance and forgiveness of my ugliest sins. We have all been incapacitated by the lie of professionalism, the lie of autonomy, the lie of the individual. We need each other like plants need rain. Without community, we will wither and die. Our nation is ill, stuffed full of these lies that only serve to dismantle us piece my piece until nothing is left but human shells, devoid of souls. This is beginning to sound morbid and a bit dramatic, but we can see it happening all around us. Read the news. Observe those alone in their cars in a sea of morning traffic. Listen to the silence of a packed elevator. Notice how infrequently you see your next-door-neighbor. It's around us. It's in us. And we need to stop believing the lies.
On that glorious note, I am going to continue my day off my sitting on the porch to watch the sunset. Erin is humming along to Mariah Carey in her room. Marilyn is pacing in the living room where Melissa is playing the Indigo Girls on guitar. Adam is singing loudly in the shower. Welcome to l'Arche.
Friday, June 30, 2006
A little M-B background
It has come to my attention that many folks are unfamiliar with Myers and Briggs as individuals and creators of the personality type indicator test. Here is a little background for you, taken from this website:
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test was created by a mother/daughter team of Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers. They based their work on Carl Jung's theories about psychological type preferences. After reading Jung's work, Myers and Briggs decided to create an everyday application of his work for the general public. Myers developed the pen & pencil test in the 1940's. They tested it on friends and family during WWII hoping to resolve conflicts and help match people to appropriate work. It took over 20 years to fully develop the instrument.
The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Test was created by a mother/daughter team of Katharine Cook Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers. They based their work on Carl Jung's theories about psychological type preferences. After reading Jung's work, Myers and Briggs decided to create an everyday application of his work for the general public. Myers developed the pen & pencil test in the 1940's. They tested it on friends and family during WWII hoping to resolve conflicts and help match people to appropriate work. It took over 20 years to fully develop the instrument.
Myers and Briggs also added a forth dimension to Jung's scheme focusing on how people deal with the outer world. They determined that each person has an external orientation towards orderliness and decisiveness (judgment) or towards new information and going with the flow (perception).
MBTI is one of the most widely used personality instruments in the world. Its ease of use, high statistical validity and reliability make it one the most respected personality instruments that exist. The test/retest measurement is very accurate, in 75% of cases, individuals will test the same in 3 of the 4 dimensions. Over 600 dissertations have been written on the MBTI and there are well over 1,000 articles and dozens of books. An average of 2 million people in the United States takes the MBTI each year and it has been translated into more than 30 languages.Tuesday, June 27, 2006
It all comes back to Myers-Briggs
Melissa and I are pretty similar when it comes to most things. We were born of the same womb, have similar genetic makeup, lived in the same house for most of our life, went to the same elementary, middle, senior high, and undergraduate schools, went to East Africa our sophomore years, are now living in Portland together, have our noses pierced, wear similar (if not the same) clothes and listen to similar (if not the same) music, enjoy similar movies and television shows, have similar worldviews and political/theological understandings, practice similar disciplines, etc.
Yet, we are very distinguishable when it comes to decision-making. Melissa feels confident to make rather large, weighty decisions at the drop of a hat (i.e. moving to Portland for a year) while I tend to be much more hesitant. She plows forth without looking back, without regret. I tend to walk tip-toe, and am very uncomfortable closing doors and letting go of my past experiences, friendships, etc. I am comfortable with ambiguity, with that grey area that is neither here nor there. This is where the most possibilities lie. The thought of planting roots, committing to something for more than a year makes me uneasy. Could I really do this for that long? What if I regret my decision 6 months from now? What if I'm lonely or miserable? Sometimes it's fun being stimulated by possibilities, but sometimes it's burdensome. We had to commit sometime. We have to make decisions sometime. And the great irony is, I HATE indecision. I can't stand it in other people (particularly when ordering at a restaurant) which means I probably can't stand it in myself.
About every month or so, I find myself referring to the Myers-Briggs personality test to explain some idiosyncracy of mine (or another). It provides me with an understanding of the world, particularly human beings who are utterly unpredictable...unless, of course, you have the Myers-Briggs test handy. If there was a Myers-Briggs religion, I might convert. My loyalty to the Myers-Briggs test is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Nothing explains everything. But, it explains some, particularly the depths of the human personality. So, here I go again.
The MB test measures the human personality via mutually exclusive pairs in 4 categories:
A) How you are energized: Introverts are stimulated by the internal world and prefer solitude, contemplation, imagination, and privacy. They prefer dealing with tasks and people one-on-one. Extroverts are stimulated externally, by people, spoken words, and action. They are multi-taskers, enjoy having lots of friends, and prefer the presence of other people.
B) How you process information: Sensing individuals use the 5 senses to understand the world around them. They prefer details, facts, and analysis, and are very present-focused. Intuitive individuals use insight and intuition to make connections about the world. They enjoy the big picture and are future-minded, and they prefer change, new ideas, and possibilities.
C) Thinking/Feeling (how you make a decision): Thinkers are objective and prefer logic and analysis. They are rule-followers and are often very formal. Feelers are subjective and prefer values, motivations and feelings. They tend to be more informal and diplomatic, and they don't mind bending the rules for the sake of social cohesion.
D) Judging/Perceiving (how you organize your day-to-day life): Judging individuals like structure and organization, and they follow deadlines to a T. They would rather plan ahead for future events. Perceivers, though, are comfortable to plan-on-the go and like to multi-task. This is a direct quote from a website concerning perceivers: "Instinctively avoid commitments which interfere with flexibility, freedom and variety."
Aha! There it is! In plan English, there it is. As an ENFP, I am by nature (or nurture?) a multi-asker, a creative thinker, spontaneous, horrible with details, motivated by feelings and emotions, and approach life in a rather disorganized, flexible fashion. I think the last category, J vs P, really sums up how Melissa and I differ. She is a J....she has her "head on straight" when it comes to basic things like remembering her keys when she leaves the house, planning ahead for events, etc (this isn't always true, but relative to me, it is). I am absent-minded and adverse to details and commitment. The thought of having to commit my life to something that could potentially limit freedom, variety, and flexibility makes me uncomfortable.
I am aware that I have an aversion to plan-making, but can one really go through life just waiting until the last possible second to make a decision. Then again, there are those folks who make decisions way to early, commit to things without thinking, and when time passes, they realize they've made a major mistake. But, going back to my original point...how am I ever going to transition into "real" life, "real" work if I prefer ambiguity over the closed-ended? What about my relationships? Can someone like me actually get married? Maintain friendships? I like to think that I can and that I have...but I guess it's under specific circumstances.
I am in the midst of deciding what to do with my near future and the task is daunting. In typical Melissa fashion, one day after discussing the options, she turns to me and says, "So, have you made a decision? You really should just make one already." Hmm...I don't work that way. Not at all. Only when September is breathing down my neck will I feel the motivation to take some action. My mother works quite the opposite of this, hence she thinks I'm psychotic and keeps trying to set up job interviews for me and sending me websites concerning open positions. She means well...and I appreciate her help. But I really will only get serious about all this...stuff when it's the time for it. But, I do have the tiny but acute fear that it'll be too late, that I'll regret my delay, that nothing will line up. But, this hasn't happened to me yet. So I can really only base this all on experience.
Yet, we are very distinguishable when it comes to decision-making. Melissa feels confident to make rather large, weighty decisions at the drop of a hat (i.e. moving to Portland for a year) while I tend to be much more hesitant. She plows forth without looking back, without regret. I tend to walk tip-toe, and am very uncomfortable closing doors and letting go of my past experiences, friendships, etc. I am comfortable with ambiguity, with that grey area that is neither here nor there. This is where the most possibilities lie. The thought of planting roots, committing to something for more than a year makes me uneasy. Could I really do this for that long? What if I regret my decision 6 months from now? What if I'm lonely or miserable? Sometimes it's fun being stimulated by possibilities, but sometimes it's burdensome. We had to commit sometime. We have to make decisions sometime. And the great irony is, I HATE indecision. I can't stand it in other people (particularly when ordering at a restaurant) which means I probably can't stand it in myself.
About every month or so, I find myself referring to the Myers-Briggs personality test to explain some idiosyncracy of mine (or another). It provides me with an understanding of the world, particularly human beings who are utterly unpredictable...unless, of course, you have the Myers-Briggs test handy. If there was a Myers-Briggs religion, I might convert. My loyalty to the Myers-Briggs test is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Nothing explains everything. But, it explains some, particularly the depths of the human personality. So, here I go again.
The MB test measures the human personality via mutually exclusive pairs in 4 categories:
A) How you are energized: Introverts are stimulated by the internal world and prefer solitude, contemplation, imagination, and privacy. They prefer dealing with tasks and people one-on-one. Extroverts are stimulated externally, by people, spoken words, and action. They are multi-taskers, enjoy having lots of friends, and prefer the presence of other people.
B) How you process information: Sensing individuals use the 5 senses to understand the world around them. They prefer details, facts, and analysis, and are very present-focused. Intuitive individuals use insight and intuition to make connections about the world. They enjoy the big picture and are future-minded, and they prefer change, new ideas, and possibilities.
C) Thinking/Feeling (how you make a decision): Thinkers are objective and prefer logic and analysis. They are rule-followers and are often very formal. Feelers are subjective and prefer values, motivations and feelings. They tend to be more informal and diplomatic, and they don't mind bending the rules for the sake of social cohesion.
D) Judging/Perceiving (how you organize your day-to-day life): Judging individuals like structure and organization, and they follow deadlines to a T. They would rather plan ahead for future events. Perceivers, though, are comfortable to plan-on-the go and like to multi-task. This is a direct quote from a website concerning perceivers: "Instinctively avoid commitments which interfere with flexibility, freedom and variety."
Aha! There it is! In plan English, there it is. As an ENFP, I am by nature (or nurture?) a multi-asker, a creative thinker, spontaneous, horrible with details, motivated by feelings and emotions, and approach life in a rather disorganized, flexible fashion. I think the last category, J vs P, really sums up how Melissa and I differ. She is a J....she has her "head on straight" when it comes to basic things like remembering her keys when she leaves the house, planning ahead for events, etc (this isn't always true, but relative to me, it is). I am absent-minded and adverse to details and commitment. The thought of having to commit my life to something that could potentially limit freedom, variety, and flexibility makes me uncomfortable.
I am aware that I have an aversion to plan-making, but can one really go through life just waiting until the last possible second to make a decision. Then again, there are those folks who make decisions way to early, commit to things without thinking, and when time passes, they realize they've made a major mistake. But, going back to my original point...how am I ever going to transition into "real" life, "real" work if I prefer ambiguity over the closed-ended? What about my relationships? Can someone like me actually get married? Maintain friendships? I like to think that I can and that I have...but I guess it's under specific circumstances.
I am in the midst of deciding what to do with my near future and the task is daunting. In typical Melissa fashion, one day after discussing the options, she turns to me and says, "So, have you made a decision? You really should just make one already." Hmm...I don't work that way. Not at all. Only when September is breathing down my neck will I feel the motivation to take some action. My mother works quite the opposite of this, hence she thinks I'm psychotic and keeps trying to set up job interviews for me and sending me websites concerning open positions. She means well...and I appreciate her help. But I really will only get serious about all this...stuff when it's the time for it. But, I do have the tiny but acute fear that it'll be too late, that I'll regret my delay, that nothing will line up. But, this hasn't happened to me yet. So I can really only base this all on experience.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Faces to know
My newly acquired lip ring (it's huge!)
Melissa and Jacob
Adam (wearing a plunging neckline)
Erin with her favorite c.d.
Joni coloring away
The day's simple pleasures
-Painted Joni's fingernails with pearly polish
-Celebrated the 19th anniversary of the Nehalem house via ice cream social
-Went to rent a movie with Erin
-Went for a run around the neighborhood
-Watched "The Princess Diaries" with the folks
-Revived flacid cellery by placing the stalks in a cup of water (amazing)
-Danced with Joni to motown grooves
-Picked some strawberries
-Celebrated the 19th anniversary of the Nehalem house via ice cream social
-Went to rent a movie with Erin
-Went for a run around the neighborhood
-Watched "The Princess Diaries" with the folks
-Revived flacid cellery by placing the stalks in a cup of water (amazing)
-Danced with Joni to motown grooves
-Picked some strawberries
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The start of work
So, this work I started my summer "job" though it feels much less like a job than it does real life. I live where I work and work where I live. I dress people, bathe them and assist them around the house. I brush teeth, give shots (with much trepidation), bake cookies, take walks around the block. I pour cups of coffee and turn down the bed sheets. Normal, everyday things...but for people who need a little bit more help than your average "self-made" individual in America. Here, we rely on community, not ourselves. I am disabled in some areas where the core members are not. My patience is disabled...my body image - disabled. My ability to love and accept strangers, also disabled. But Joni and Adam and Erin and Marilyn are very able in these areas, if not abled in body or in emotional maturity.
We went to the other house tonight and met up with the folks and assistance over there. I bet Robyn, with down syndrome, who can do the splits and sings songs with such fervor, you'd think she was on a Broadway stage. And then Ben who can't move without the help of a wheelchair and can stare into the heart and soul of a person just by looking at them. And then there's my Joni, who communicates using humming sounds and sign language. She loves music and coloring in her coloring books with her crayons. She smells each crayon before she draws withit, as if to discover its secret scent that the rest of us can't seem to notice.
Adam came home from work today and we went out back with a tubberware container to pick raspberries and strawberries. We ate them on the front step of the porch, enjoying the warm weather and watching the clouds. We looked like siblings with are legs stretched out in front of us, ankles crossed. "I wuv you," he says. "Yer sweet." He also loves to respond to a request with "Ok, honey..." much like a husband would do to his wife. "Adam, can you head off to bed?" ...(with some reservation) "Ok, honey."
I am off tomorrow. Ghana is playing the USA tomorrow in the world cup and we are headed to a favorite pub called the Horse Brass to watch the game at 7am, if you can believe it. Early bed tonight. I forget that things come on later here...I guess East Coast time is the favored time zone of networks. I am cheering for Ghana. We have other sports we're good at, why monopolize another? The rest of the world loves soccer (I mean, football), so I think we should let them have it. We're not going to playing Ghana in hockey or baseball or basketball. Let them have soccer. They're probably better at it, anyway.
I have decided to begin running again. It's good for my heart, and after that CPR class, I've decided that I want my heart to beat as long as possible without the help of someone breathing into me. Dear Lord, I hope I never have to perform CPR. That dummy was enough. My watched stopped working last week, and I usually run about 20 minutes or so, according to what my watch says. I ran the other day rather blind and deaf of the time. I could have run 10 minutes or 40. I'm not sure. I just no I'm out-o-shape, and it's time to get back into it.
Oregon is as beautiful as I had imagined. Even the neighborhoods are beautiful, with quaint and qwerky houses and hundreds of rosebushes and beautiful, dramatic skies filled with fast-moving clouds. It rains a lot (during colder months), making this place lush and green - like Uganda. And the mountains are dramatic, not those dinky foothills we call mountains out East. These mountains are new, craggy and sharp, snow-peaked.
We went to the other house tonight and met up with the folks and assistance over there. I bet Robyn, with down syndrome, who can do the splits and sings songs with such fervor, you'd think she was on a Broadway stage. And then Ben who can't move without the help of a wheelchair and can stare into the heart and soul of a person just by looking at them. And then there's my Joni, who communicates using humming sounds and sign language. She loves music and coloring in her coloring books with her crayons. She smells each crayon before she draws withit, as if to discover its secret scent that the rest of us can't seem to notice.
Adam came home from work today and we went out back with a tubberware container to pick raspberries and strawberries. We ate them on the front step of the porch, enjoying the warm weather and watching the clouds. We looked like siblings with are legs stretched out in front of us, ankles crossed. "I wuv you," he says. "Yer sweet." He also loves to respond to a request with "Ok, honey..." much like a husband would do to his wife. "Adam, can you head off to bed?" ...(with some reservation) "Ok, honey."
I am off tomorrow. Ghana is playing the USA tomorrow in the world cup and we are headed to a favorite pub called the Horse Brass to watch the game at 7am, if you can believe it. Early bed tonight. I forget that things come on later here...I guess East Coast time is the favored time zone of networks. I am cheering for Ghana. We have other sports we're good at, why monopolize another? The rest of the world loves soccer (I mean, football), so I think we should let them have it. We're not going to playing Ghana in hockey or baseball or basketball. Let them have soccer. They're probably better at it, anyway.
I have decided to begin running again. It's good for my heart, and after that CPR class, I've decided that I want my heart to beat as long as possible without the help of someone breathing into me. Dear Lord, I hope I never have to perform CPR. That dummy was enough. My watched stopped working last week, and I usually run about 20 minutes or so, according to what my watch says. I ran the other day rather blind and deaf of the time. I could have run 10 minutes or 40. I'm not sure. I just no I'm out-o-shape, and it's time to get back into it.
Oregon is as beautiful as I had imagined. Even the neighborhoods are beautiful, with quaint and qwerky houses and hundreds of rosebushes and beautiful, dramatic skies filled with fast-moving clouds. It rains a lot (during colder months), making this place lush and green - like Uganda. And the mountains are dramatic, not those dinky foothills we call mountains out East. These mountains are new, craggy and sharp, snow-peaked.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Life after college: 1 month in
I've been "graduated" now for more than a month. Commencement was May 13th, my father's birthday, and the onset of the greatest deluge Massachusetts has seen since the early 90s. The rain was only fitting, considering how tumultuous the previous three weeks had been leading up to graduation -- sort of an icing on the cake that was April 20th - May 12th. I won't go into it all...no sense living in the past, but I will say that those three weeks were some of the more stressful ones I've experienced while at college. There were different types of stress at play: interpersonal stress, existential stress, legal/authoritative stress, relationship stress, personal stress, physical/health stress. Stress. And then...graduation came, with its 40 degree, sopping wet glory. Our speaker was awful (again, only fitting) and the party afterwards was a thorn in the flesh, and goodbyes were rushed, if they were even said at all. We are all so used to saying goodbye, at least for some amount of time.
Freshman year, we were traumatized with the thought of leaving our "best friends for life" for that strange, other-worldly place known previously as "home," despite the fact that we had lived there 18 years of our life. We embraced and cried and called eachother every day. Then, Sophomore December...the goodbye party in Lewis before Bethany and I headed off to Africa...more tearful goodbyes and going away gifts and feelings of uneasiness about the future and friends. Then, Junior December...when everyone ELSE decides to leave, and we have ANOTHER goodbye party with tearful goodbyes (this time, fewer tears) and reassuring hugs. And then Senior December...Bethany and I leave for Romania. A goodbye party...no tears. Just the knowledge that, yes, we'll be back. And things will probably be pretty much the same. But what about graduation? I don't know if any of us were prepared for that type of goodbye. There can be no more "See ya laters" or "Talk to you soons." Those are obsolete, out of commission. Will we be able to handle the shock when we find ourselves in August but are not headed back to school? Will we realize then the gravity of those final, hurried goodbyes, some of which were never made?
Though a series of fortunate events, I have found myself in Portland, Oregon, for the summer, living and working with developmentally disabled adults in a L'Arche community (French for "The Ark.") My sister is here, as well as her husband-to-be, and some of their mutal friends who live in the area. But otherwise, I am flying solo here...processing what I can of the past few months (senior year, Romania, graduation) but also trying to embrace the 'now,' which is supposedly pregnant with meaning. I am caught between wanting to affirm and solidify my friendships back home, and wanting to begin another chapter of my life, the one that I will experience here in Portland. I am uneasy with this tension which some people can negotiate better than myself. I am a loyal, dedicated, committed friend and value my friendships as one of the most important aspects of my life. My relationships with others, my friends and family and professors, are what enrich my life, make it worth living. I want nothing else but the assurance that my relationships are a solid foundation upon which I can rest my life. But I haven't always received this assurance. As they say, people will always let you down. I hate this statement...because people will also always surprise you. Those who you had written off or doubted or ignored may be your loyalest and most dependable comrade. And those whom you once considered your best and only may not be willing to receive all that you are willing to give.
This year has been a year of redefining the important relationships in my life, which has been a hard, painful experience. At times I have felt uneasy and directionless, because when my relationships aren't solid, then my life feels out of control. But in the process of redefining my relationships, I have learned things about myself and others that are valuable aspects of the learning process. I have learned that I have the capacity to hurt others in ways that are deep and scarring, of which I am ashamed. And I have learned that my heart is vulnerable (sometimes too vulnerable) to other's wounding, as well. I have also discovered the resiliency of my relationships, which have lasted through thick and thin. Seeing as I am in Portland, and the majority of my closest friends are on the other side of the country, and seeing as I have little direction concerning the future and my potential whereabouts come September, this process of redefining and reaffirming relationships is hardly over. This is the test period, the great inbetween time where we can't yet say who will be walking this life journey with us.
I am trying to be at peace about all of this ambiguity....with relationships (both friendship and otherwise) and with the future. And so far I am doing pretty well. But there is a part of me that wonders if feeling some trepidation would be appropriate. Jesus, the Great Philosopher, said that worrying doesn't do us any good or add any days to our lives. So...like many of the great prophets of yore, we are to love life deeply but hold onto it loosely.
Freshman year, we were traumatized with the thought of leaving our "best friends for life" for that strange, other-worldly place known previously as "home," despite the fact that we had lived there 18 years of our life. We embraced and cried and called eachother every day. Then, Sophomore December...the goodbye party in Lewis before Bethany and I headed off to Africa...more tearful goodbyes and going away gifts and feelings of uneasiness about the future and friends. Then, Junior December...when everyone ELSE decides to leave, and we have ANOTHER goodbye party with tearful goodbyes (this time, fewer tears) and reassuring hugs. And then Senior December...Bethany and I leave for Romania. A goodbye party...no tears. Just the knowledge that, yes, we'll be back. And things will probably be pretty much the same. But what about graduation? I don't know if any of us were prepared for that type of goodbye. There can be no more "See ya laters" or "Talk to you soons." Those are obsolete, out of commission. Will we be able to handle the shock when we find ourselves in August but are not headed back to school? Will we realize then the gravity of those final, hurried goodbyes, some of which were never made?
Though a series of fortunate events, I have found myself in Portland, Oregon, for the summer, living and working with developmentally disabled adults in a L'Arche community (French for "The Ark.") My sister is here, as well as her husband-to-be, and some of their mutal friends who live in the area. But otherwise, I am flying solo here...processing what I can of the past few months (senior year, Romania, graduation) but also trying to embrace the 'now,' which is supposedly pregnant with meaning. I am caught between wanting to affirm and solidify my friendships back home, and wanting to begin another chapter of my life, the one that I will experience here in Portland. I am uneasy with this tension which some people can negotiate better than myself. I am a loyal, dedicated, committed friend and value my friendships as one of the most important aspects of my life. My relationships with others, my friends and family and professors, are what enrich my life, make it worth living. I want nothing else but the assurance that my relationships are a solid foundation upon which I can rest my life. But I haven't always received this assurance. As they say, people will always let you down. I hate this statement...because people will also always surprise you. Those who you had written off or doubted or ignored may be your loyalest and most dependable comrade. And those whom you once considered your best and only may not be willing to receive all that you are willing to give.
This year has been a year of redefining the important relationships in my life, which has been a hard, painful experience. At times I have felt uneasy and directionless, because when my relationships aren't solid, then my life feels out of control. But in the process of redefining my relationships, I have learned things about myself and others that are valuable aspects of the learning process. I have learned that I have the capacity to hurt others in ways that are deep and scarring, of which I am ashamed. And I have learned that my heart is vulnerable (sometimes too vulnerable) to other's wounding, as well. I have also discovered the resiliency of my relationships, which have lasted through thick and thin. Seeing as I am in Portland, and the majority of my closest friends are on the other side of the country, and seeing as I have little direction concerning the future and my potential whereabouts come September, this process of redefining and reaffirming relationships is hardly over. This is the test period, the great inbetween time where we can't yet say who will be walking this life journey with us.
I am trying to be at peace about all of this ambiguity....with relationships (both friendship and otherwise) and with the future. And so far I am doing pretty well. But there is a part of me that wonders if feeling some trepidation would be appropriate. Jesus, the Great Philosopher, said that worrying doesn't do us any good or add any days to our lives. So...like many of the great prophets of yore, we are to love life deeply but hold onto it loosely.
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