Life after college: 1 month in

I've been "graduated" now for more than a month. Commencement was May 13th, my father's birthday, and the onset of the greatest deluge Massachusetts has seen since the early 90s. The rain was only fitting, considering how tumultuous the previous three weeks had been leading up to graduation -- sort of an icing on the cake that was April 20th - May 12th. I won't go into it all...no sense living in the past, but I will say that those three weeks were some of the more stressful ones I've experienced while at college. There were different types of stress at play: interpersonal stress, existential stress, legal/authoritative stress, relationship stress, personal stress, physical/health stress. Stress. And then...graduation came, with its 40 degree, sopping wet glory. Our speaker was awful (again, only fitting) and the party afterwards was a thorn in the flesh, and goodbyes were rushed, if they were even said at all. We are all so used to saying goodbye, at least for some amount of time.

Freshman year, we were traumatized with the thought of leaving our "best friends for life" for that strange, other-worldly place known previously as "home," despite the fact that we had lived there 18 years of our life. We embraced and cried and called eachother every day. Then, Sophomore December...the goodbye party in Lewis before Bethany and I headed off to Africa...more tearful goodbyes and going away gifts and feelings of uneasiness about the future and friends. Then, Junior December...when everyone ELSE decides to leave, and we have ANOTHER goodbye party with tearful goodbyes (this time, fewer tears) and reassuring hugs. And then Senior December...Bethany and I leave for Romania. A goodbye party...no tears. Just the knowledge that, yes, we'll be back. And things will probably be pretty much the same. But what about graduation? I don't know if any of us were prepared for that type of goodbye. There can be no more "See ya laters" or "Talk to you soons." Those are obsolete, out of commission. Will we be able to handle the shock when we find ourselves in August but are not headed back to school? Will we realize then the gravity of those final, hurried goodbyes, some of which were never made?

Though a series of fortunate events, I have found myself in Portland, Oregon, for the summer, living and working with developmentally disabled adults in a L'Arche community (French for "The Ark.") My sister is here, as well as her husband-to-be, and some of their mutal friends who live in the area. But otherwise, I am flying solo here...processing what I can of the past few months (senior year, Romania, graduation) but also trying to embrace the 'now,' which is supposedly pregnant with meaning. I am caught between wanting to affirm and solidify my friendships back home, and wanting to begin another chapter of my life, the one that I will experience here in Portland. I am uneasy with this tension which some people can negotiate better than myself. I am a loyal, dedicated, committed friend and value my friendships as one of the most important aspects of my life. My relationships with others, my friends and family and professors, are what enrich my life, make it worth living. I want nothing else but the assurance that my relationships are a solid foundation upon which I can rest my life. But I haven't always received this assurance. As they say, people will always let you down. I hate this statement...because people will also always surprise you. Those who you had written off or doubted or ignored may be your loyalest and most dependable comrade. And those whom you once considered your best and only may not be willing to receive all that you are willing to give.

This year has been a year of redefining the important relationships in my life, which has been a hard, painful experience. At times I have felt uneasy and directionless, because when my relationships aren't solid, then my life feels out of control. But in the process of redefining my relationships, I have learned things about myself and others that are valuable aspects of the learning process. I have learned that I have the capacity to hurt others in ways that are deep and scarring, of which I am ashamed. And I have learned that my heart is vulnerable (sometimes too vulnerable) to other's wounding, as well. I have also discovered the resiliency of my relationships, which have lasted through thick and thin. Seeing as I am in Portland, and the majority of my closest friends are on the other side of the country, and seeing as I have little direction concerning the future and my potential whereabouts come September, this process of redefining and reaffirming relationships is hardly over. This is the test period, the great inbetween time where we can't yet say who will be walking this life journey with us.

I am trying to be at peace about all of this ambiguity....with relationships (both friendship and otherwise) and with the future. And so far I am doing pretty well. But there is a part of me that wonders if feeling some trepidation would be appropriate. Jesus, the Great Philosopher, said that worrying doesn't do us any good or add any days to our lives. So...like many of the great prophets of yore, we are to love life deeply but hold onto it loosely.