I can't figure it out. I have been living in l'Arche for a total of 20 months (and in the Greater DC community for 17), and life has truly never been easier. I'm trying to discover the root of my feelings of contentment, but its a difficult task. I have long since passed the idealistic, everything-about-l'Arche-is-wonderful stage....that probably ended the second month I was here. And I've also passed the stage of "finally feeling settled" at least a year back. And this isn't much of a milestone because I adjust pretty easily to new situations. But truly I say to you, l'Arche is easier now than it's ever been. There could be multiple reasons for this, both internal and external.
First, life in this home was tumultuous, to say the least, when I first arrived. There were some major turn-over in assistants and leadership and some huge governmental hurtles to overcome before this house even opened. Plus, all of us were new -- core members and assistants. There were no routines, no traditions, no foundation upon which we could base our life together. We had to figure out how to do everything anew while also abiding by the simultaneously strict and ambiguous regulations of the county and state government (we were the first group home to open in Northern VA in more than a decade).
Also, because we were stressed, relationships in the house were stressed. You couldn't gather together people so different from one another even if you tried. And we were living under the same roof, buying groceries together, working together, essentially spending our entire lives together. And yet, there was some serious interpersonal tension hanging over our heads for a while there. As we were attempting to facilitate positive, healthy relationships among the core members, we were having our own issues that were either ignored or denied. Though I wasn't a member of one of the "opposing" parties, I was affected greatly by the simmering conflict.
Along with this, one of our core members began to mentally and emotionally disintegrate. These downward spiral started off subtly but generally grew, ranging from depression to full-blown outbursts to a week or two of hypomanic elation. Yikes. No week was like the next. And we had few, if any, supports in regards to good psychiatric care and counseling. We had to juggle this core members volatile moods with the basic needs and cares of the house and other core members, and this was no easy task. Our team meetings would stretch so long sometimes, up to 3 hours, because we had so much to talk about. And we were exhausted.
Then, come May 1st of 2007, I became the Home Life Coordinator, essentially taking on responsibility for the tensions and anxieties already present in the house. Along with adjusting to my new role as head of house, this core member took a turn for the worst and went into the pysch hospital twice. An assistant left rather unexpectedly and we struggled to find a replacement in the midst of the crisis we were experiencing in the house. And I was biting off more than I could reasonably chew -- performing all the duties of leadership while still working 40 hours a week of routines and accompanying a core member. I became so stressed that I started losing weight and developed acid reflux. I had difficulty sleeping and essentially avoided being in the house when I wasn't on call.
After toiling through several months of chaotic life in the home (primarily centered around this one core member), we made the tough decision of discharging this core member from the home. We couldn't meet his needs. We couldn't support him in his mental illness. We were in way over our head. And yet we loved him and cared for him and dreaded seeing him go. But, as we suspected, life afterwards was just...easier. Relationships in the house were gelling, other core members were happy, new assistants were being oriented and taking on more responsibility, I was building strong friendships with other members in leadership. And, on top of all this, I was learning to let go of some of the unrealistic expectations I had for myself as Home Life Coordinator. I learned to follow through with the important tasks, to not take myself too seriously, to say no to things I knew I couldn't do, to lead by example, to have fun and laugh when mistakes happen. In a sense, my newly found comfort with my newly acquired role may be the internal factor that has made life easier now.
When I look back at the first 8 months of our life as a l'Arche home, I am amazed we came out on the other side! This is not to say, of course, that we never experienced times of joy and grace within our community. There were plenty of those...countless good memories, funny stories, interesting experiences. But life was, in fact, hard. And I think I realize that now that I'm on the other side, breathing a sigh of relief, sleeping in late, spending my weekends at l'Arche rather than fleeing to my parents' house. Humans are highly adaptable, and we adapted....we made do. But we weren't necessarily thriving.
I have much to say to other l'Arche communities who, more often than not, "make do." They hire assistants who are clearly inept or carry weight baggage into the community. They bring in core members who cannot be fully supported in a l'Arche setting, core members who ultimately toxify community life. They become so stuck in tradition and ritual that they are no longer open to new ideas, new ways of doing things. They keep the same individuals in leadership positions for years on end, individuals who may not be doing their job to the best of their ability. Blah blah. There are ways to be a healthy community, and there are ways to pollute a healthy community.
Life is easier now, and I like to think that it's not just the external environment that has prompted this change, but my own internal environment. I like to think that I could face any number of hardships, knowing that I have faced tremendous hardship in the past. I like to think that the challenges of l'Arche have changed me, made me a better human being - more patient, less fearful, more realistic, less anxious.
All this being said, my official "end time" is the end of May -- that leaves me with 3 more months. Hard to believe! Feels like I just got here, and now I'm the "old and experienced one" admits the new assistants. I am feeling good about tying up my time here in l'Arche, but I obviously have some ambivalent feelings about leaving. I've been "living l'Arche" since I graduated from college, so it's pretty remarkable to think about doing something else. But isn't that what my life has been for the last few years? Transition here, transition there. Packing up, moving along, meeting new people, saying good bye.
